Mx.D.P

Over the next few weeks, my art practice will look like a never-ending stream of reel-making for the Wales Climate Virtual Conference, digital marketing course in London, funding proposals, spreadsheets, meetings, report writing, sorting out camera tech et al. My art practice is The Network. To make an art network work, you need the above; no dodging it; it is what it is!

So, to avoid the mundane in my blog, I thought I’d do some self-reflection on my hair.

My hair, as I do, appears in my animations… But it has a life of its own; it is not me.

In the past, I would often shave all my hair off; I liked the raw power and freedom from gender in a shaved head. At most, it would be short and possibly a stupid colour (my favourite was bright green, but purple was cool too). I grew it when my late friend Helen lost her hair to cancer chemotherapy, and everyone else shaved theirs in support! There’s not a lot of point in doing that if you already do it! So, I thought I would grow my hair instead. It became my Helen hair! Every time I brushed it, I would think of Helen.

I have often wondered over the last few years at what stage will I get rid of it and why? When is grief enough? I came to believe years ago that you have at least 2 years of raw grief, and then it becomes a dull ache. I made a film just after Helen died about my dead friend, my dead cat and I taking a beach walk together you could feel the pain, and I can hardly watch it, even now, dare you?

One of my fellow course member, said to me in London to never shave my hair off. I wondered what that was about; I think it may be visually comforting to those who are gender identity adverse.

I am 6ft and 19 stone; I am not feminine; however, that’s not much of a concern as I am non-binary.

But I do realise the ‘Helen Hair’ enables me to pass, but as what? I have noticed that if I say I am non-binary, some folks have misgendered me and asked if I am a Trans Woman, which I rather like; even one of my course cohorts asked me that!

I also see that it has power. Men see me differently. With Helen Hair, I am, without trying, a femme fatale!

Even as I approach 60, I get message requests of a rather juicy nature. I reply I think you may be barking up the wrong tree as I am Non-binary! That usually stops them in their tracks. The same thing applies in Lesbian spaces… many butch lesbians are rather keen until I say the magic Non-binary words.

Being seen as ‘female’ (that word has negative urgency for many AFAB folks) in some spaces has its benefits and its curses. You are given grace and favour, but you are not heard or taken seriously. If you are strident and your appearance doesn’t match, I have noticed men often get defensive or aggressive, or my favourite passive-aggressive.

For myself, although the misgendering is mildly gender dysphoric, it becomes an act of rebellion.

I am able, as an overconfident c*nt (please see the Dunning – Kruger Effect graph), to remind myself not to give a sh*t and instead find the fun in this gender performance.

I blame my overconfidence and my lack of life progression to guru on pilot training. No pilot would ever get airborne if they didn’t have the confidence of the Mount of Stupidity. (I am not joking here; no one in their right mind would fly if they knew the truth).

The Hair grows lopsided; it’s always longer on the left than the right. I think it’s because the left side of my scalp gets more sun in my deckchair (it is west-facing)… it’s a theory that I like. It does get hacked with the cat clippers when it reaches bum length, as my toilet time presents complex difficulties.

Over the past four years, I have observed the evolving semiotics of my hair, transitioning from a memorial performance to something more profound.

I’ve come to understand that my hair serves as a Gender Disruptor and acts as a living expression of the performance of gender and my gender-identity art.

My journey into Autoethnography Art Research began without knowledge; it happened organically, a Dadaesque journey into gender through grief. Autoethnography is a research approach that merges personal experiences with cultural and social contexts, allowing for a deeper understanding of the relationship between self and others. This qualitative or arts-based research method involves art narratives that draw from lived experiences.

Unlike traditional ethnography, Autoethnography links personal truth to broader socio-cultural and political contexts. This writing is part of that research, a moment of reflection, a revelation, analysing experiences, examining power dynamics, employing storytelling techniques…